Supplications

Welcome to Supplications, a new occasional column here at the Basilisk Cafe, where you get to email your thoughts, questions and comments into a true Dark Lord, and get his response posted on the world wide web for all to see. (Some may have seen this previously on the 'supplications' LiveJournal, which was formerly featured on our Links Page - we've agreed to host the column here from now on.)  Lord Voldemort (aka Tom Riddle), Master of the Death Eaters and future Ruler of the World, has deigned to offer his glorious insight and wisdom to you all. Which, in turn, means you will see flashes of his legendary charm, and acerbic wit. Those of a nervous, tense disposition may wish to look away now. You will, in due course, get the opportunity to email your irrelevant drivel to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but first – as in all things in life – you have to do something painful and unpleasant. You have to read...

The Rules

1. Any and all letters received and used in this column may be subjected to the almighty power of ‘Ye Olde Red Marker Pen’. In other words, expect edits for too-long content, spelling mistakes, or general ‘wtf?!’ moments.
2. Updates may – and most likely will – be infrequent. This depends on two factors. The number of emails received, and the amount of time available to update it. One of these you have some control over. The other you do not. Get over it.
3. The answers to these questions may occasionally take the form of advice. This should not be taken as professional. Especially any comments about wholesale Muggle slaughter or taking over the world. (It is a matter of no small concern that we live in a world where this comment is necessary…)
4. Tom Riddle, a not-for-profit Dark Lord, takes no responsibility for what would happen to anyone dumb enough to ignore the above rule, or any of the others for that matter. Nor do the people responsible for updating this column.
5. We know you love Tom. This does not mean you should use his address in any of the ‘someonelovesyou.com’ spam collection lists, or anything of the like.
6. You are writing to a bona-fide Dark Lord. There will be, on occasion, sarcasm, mockery and possibly downright rudeness. Be prepared for this.

Now that you’ve read the rules above, you can use this email address - asktomriddle@gmail.com - to send in your letters/comments/etc.  That'll do from us, so cast your eyes on our Dark Lord's opening letter below, and then feel free to trawl through the archives of his past responses...

Mages, Minions and Muggles,

I have decided, after much pestering by my lieutenants, to make an occasional appearance on this Muggle 'inthenet', in order to answer any questions you may choose to send to me. I am told that, when I am finally triumphant over Dumbledore and his band of deluded idiots, this will help you to adjust to your new status as my servants, and may even make a few of you realise your inherent inferiority.

Why should I care about any of this? The answer is simple. I do not. I could not care less about the needs, welfare or happiness of the countless miserable Muggles that will soon become my slaves. However, I still have to keep my return a secret from the Ministry, which means I have an excruciating amount of free time on my hands. In other words, I quite literally have nothing better to do.

So, those of you with access to this Muggle-mail - or whatever it may be called - write to me. I may post the results here, if I feel sufficiently bored to do so. Then again, I may not. You will just have to wait and see.

Lord Voldemort,
aka Tom Marvolo Riddle

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Last Updated: 7 April 2008