Supplicants: Batch 1

Letter #1 - 13th September, 2004
And what a letter it is. Quite extraordinary. Someone out there actually has some doubt about my suitability to conquer the world. Such a silly thing to do. And they wonder why Muggles are an inferior species.

Dear Tom,

Who would win in a fight between you and the following renowned Dark Lords?

a. Darth Vader
b. Sauron
c. Ming the Merciless
d. Alexander Blofeld
e. Dr Evil

Robert Paige

Robert,

Short answer? Me. But, I suppose you want more than that.

a. Let me see. I have a legion of followers and the power of the Unforgivable Curses. Darth Vader has a slightly intimidating voice and an unconvincing glow-in-the-dark sword, which looks suspiciously similar to what the Muggles call a 'florescent tube'. Advantage: Lord Voldemort.
b. Sauron, for all his good work in creating an army of merciless killers, has an unfortunate weakness. The fact that he can be utterly disabled by anyone capable of throwing a handful of sand. Which, now that I come to think about it, includes anyone over the age of four.
c. Now we're talking. Having the power to turn the world into rubble does tend to make for a serious opponent, no matter how stupid-looking the facial hair may be. But he did make the ultimate mistake - having children. Instant death to any Dark Lord who dares to try it. All I have to do is wait for them to overthrow him.
d. World-wide criminal organisations are all very well. But when they are operated by a man who doesn't even seem to notice when they replace his nemesis every few years, their effectiveness does tend to wane. He wouldn't even see me coming.
e. Oh, come on. Be serious. A Muggle with a water-pistol could do this one.

Lord Voldemort, Darkest of Lords.

Letter #2 - 19th September, 2004
I must say, for all the pestering Lucius had to resort to, this thing has had a quite disappointing response. I have had this for over a week, and so far only 2 letters have been sent in. I did not expect all Muggles to be intelligent enough to have something worth saying, but I did hope for *some* attempt at coherent thought. But then, I should have realised this was expecting too much of you. Still, on with the letter...

Tom,

Why don't you just get a gun, and blow away Dumbledore, Potter, and all the rest of the idiots that stand in your way? Wouldn't that be much easier than all this magic stuff? And quicker too? Bullets also don't rebound off one-year-old boys, too. Just a thought.

Yours,
Helpful

Helpful - if that is your real name,

Oh, a gun! I never thought of that! What a simple, elegant solution to all the problems that I have ever faced! Instead of the infinite subtleties and complexities of magic, I can walk around with a device that makes a lot of noise and attracts more attention than a charging Hippogriff! Tell me, where is the nearest 'gun' shop? Are they available in Diagon Alley, or is it harder to acquire one? I must find this miraculous device immediately, before I waste any more of my precious time on magic!

That, for the unobservant among you, was sarcasm. I hope some of you noticed.

Letter #3 - 30th September, 2004
Another week, another letter. I'm sure you understand that taking over the wizarding world is keeping me extremely busy, so I find very little time to answer your letters. However, I will continue to give what responses I can, to those letters which are interesting enough to warrant a portion of my time. But, on with the letter...

Lord Voldemort, Master of All,

Can I please join your Death Eaters? I may only be a Muggle, but I'm sure I can be useful in some way... Killing other Muggles sounds like such an interesting career, and I'd be more than willing to look into a little Muggle torture, too. I'm keen, and eager to learn new ways of inflicting endless pain on our enemies. So, what do you think?

Death Snacker.

Death Snacker? What a stupid name! You aren't serious, are you?

You seem to have missed the point of my followers. You see, we exist to eliminate Muggle filth like yourself. So, having a Muggle in our ranks would be more than a little confusing, and might lead to some kind of false hope that we may allow you Muggles to survive. This is exactly the kind of misunderstanding that makes this thing even vaguely worth my while, so let me make this clear once and for all; even if we do decide to keep some of you alive, your status will be only slightly higher than cattle. In fact, I would quite happily send someone to end your miserable existence right now, if I knew exactly where you lived...

On the other hand, if you truly do wish to join the Death Eaters, feel free to send a CV, covering letter and SAE to: Tom Riddle, Little Hangleton, Yorkshire, England. I promise you will be given swift consideration.

Yours,
Tom Riddle

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Last Updated: 7 April 2008