Supplicants: Batch 9

Letter #25 - 2nd August, 2007
Dear Lord Moldymort,

What'd you do with your email address? Put it back up if that's not too far beneath Your Lordship to do. And do tell Lucius that bleach blond hair looks lousy on him and his snivelling wanker of a son and they should just go brown and be done with it. You do have an image to maintain and I doubt 'cheap and trashy' is what you want two of your most loyal, devoted, and visible followers to project, hmm? I thought so.

hoppytoad79

Ah, 'hoppy'...  How long have I been away, that so much respect has been lost, hm?  Terms like 'Moldymort' are hardly the worshipful, dignified terms that one should use for your betters.  It seems a lesson in manners may be required, and who better to perform said lesson than the 'cheap and trashy' Malfoy family?  (Well, almost anyone, as it happens, but I currently have no better use for them.)  Feel free to discuss hair care tips at your leisure while they do their best not to mess things up too badly. 

As for my email address, I did not take it down - it was removed by some insignificant muggle when they redesigned the page, a fact I have only recently become aware of.  This, along with my ever-consuming plans for eliminating that Potter brat, is why I have been absent for so long.  But Lord Voldemort, as you can plainly see, has returned - you may now send your grovelling pleas for attention to my new address - asktomriddle@gmail.com, which shall be restored to the required page by the time you read this.

Lord Voldemort
I am eternal, and the eternal can never die...

Voldemort,

Prepare your little magicks, you insignificant ball of protoplasm.  I, Megatron, have returned after a 20-year absence to the mudball you call 'Earth', and I will not be denied my rightful dominion over you and your backward species.  After all, what can magic do against someone who could trample you underfoot without even noticing?

Megatron, Leader of the Decepticons.

Oh, for pity's sake...  No sooner do I finally get rid of that 'Daft Ada', or whatever his name was, than I get you turning up.  What is this, a meeting place for over-the-hill, inept, wannabe world dictators?  Do you all have coffee mornings when you discuss who to annoy next?

As for 'what magic can do', I personally would first employ a Reducing Curse, to cut you down to size.  And then Sectumsempra, to cut you into scrap.  Personally, I find it most irritating to be challenged by someone who was most recently defeated by a lump of square metal.  What defeated you the first time, that Rubic's Cube thing?

Lord Voldemort

I must congratulate you, albeit reluctantly, for the havoc you have managed to wreak in the United States of America through your puppet George W. Bush.  I suspect you have the real Dick Cheney tied up somewhere and use the Polyjuice Potion so you are able to go about your work undetected, much as the late Barty Crouch Jr. attempted to do (only you are infinitely better at pulling off a successful deception than he was).  That or Dick Cheney is a devoted follower and you need only send him the occasional memo of instructions and spend the rest of your time hidden away somewhere safe.  The Afghanistan-Pakistan border, I suspect.  Great job with the Osama bin Ladin thing, by the way.  Took me quite a while to figure that one out.  I haven't told anyone because, honsetly, who'd believe me?  J.K. Rowling has done a fabulous job of convincing the world you're a fictional character so people would laugh me off or, worse yet, throw me in a mental ward.

As Bush's time in office draws to a close, I can only surmise that you've already laid the groundwork for maintaining your control over our government and from what I've seen of the most likely candidates for President, Hillary Clinton most impresses me as the candidate you're using.  Excellent choice.  Who'd suspect Lord Voldemort of using a woman?  No one suspected you of using a Texan who regularly mangles the English language, but you did.  You were fearsome before, but knowing now just how devious and conniving and scheming and utterly brilliant you are, there are no adjectives to describe you now but 'terrifying'.

Yours,
hoppytoad79

hoppytoad,

Do you really believe that I would sully my hands with the filthy world of politics?  The whole point of raising an army, destroying my enemies, and putting myself on an eternal throne of power is precisely to avoid such irritants.  Quite apart from the inconvenience of maintaining such a facade, I do not want to go to the trouble of enslaving and subverting a new government every 8 years.  It is far, far easier for me to simply take over wholesale, and eliminate anyone who annoys me.  (Yes, Lucius, that includes you, so stop bothering me!)  Obama, Clinton or McCain, it makes little difference to me - I am an equal-opportunity Dark Lord, after all, and will happily remove any one of the three from my path when the time comes.  As such, I will not be 'using' any of the prospective candidates for 'Presidency', and I certainly would have no patience with George W. Brainless - my regular readers will surely be aware that his crimes against the English language would be an affront to my standards.  

Of course, the prospect of having the idiot Texan dance to my tune does give me some brief moments of levity - however, there are far easier and more satisfying ways for it to be accomplished.  I am particularly fond of the one involving the Imperius Curse, a Dementor, and Marvin Gaye's 'Let's Get It On'.

Lord Voldemort

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Last Updated: 4 May 2008